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psycho-t.jpgTyler Hansbrough has altered the landscape of college basketball’s most heralded rivalry: Duke Verse North Carolina. For the first time in the rivalry’s history, people unrelated with either university will be rooting for Duke. Hansbrough has miraculously made the North Carolina Tar Heels more hated than the Duke Blue Devils.

“I’m not sure why people hate him (Hansbrough) so much,” Duke Coach Mike Krzyzewski said.

“It’s obvious why people have hated us all these years. We always have a roster that looks like a frat intramural team and we make up for our lack of athletic ability by sliding under opponents when they go up for a shot attempt. To make it worse, we always get the charge call. It’s pretty infuriating to watch.”

The disgust towards Hansbrough, however, is more of an enigma. Some say it’s the obnoxious look on his face that has earned him the nickname, “Psycho-T,” others allude to the fact that he’s another overrated white college player that will be nothing more than a mere role player in the NBA, but the most logical and simple explanation is that his game is utterly unbearable to watch.

paulus.jpgIronic, because it was Duke guard Greg Paulus who once owned that title. Fortunately, for college basketball fans who have to sit through 30 televised Duke games a year, Paulus somehow managed to develop discernable skills over the offseason. In fact, experts even debate the possibility that Duke is actually a fun team to watch this year.

Nevertheless, Hansbrough is comfortable with his (and his team’s) newfound unpopularity.

“Everybody’s used to hating Duke, but they better get used to hating me,” Hansbrough said. “I’m going to be around for a while because chances are I’m not a lottery pick, so fans just have to deal with me drawing a foul and converting every out-of-control-double-pump-layup I shoot. ”

Who would have imagined a team, let alone an individual, could be aggravating enough to overtake Duke as most loathed. Well, Hansbrough did. Not with finesse and grace but rather like his game: awkwardly and oafish.

Coach K’s Hobbies

Today on ESPN’s “Pardon the Interruption,” Coach K revealed that one of his hobbies was gardening. Krzyzewski went onto name other activities he enjoys, they included:

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  • Biking
  • Kidnapping ACC referees, tying them up in a corner, and then screaming obscenities towards his captives
  • Poetry
  • Perfecting his comb-over
  • Recruiting clean cut white boys
  • Visiting the local farmer’s market
  • Spelling his name with Alpha-Blocks
  • Cranking dat Soulja Boy

horace-grant.jpgSince Phoenix Suns’ General Manager Steve Kerr has acquired Shaquille O’Neal, he has become the third player from the Bulls championship teams to ruin a franchise. His former teammates John Paxson and Michael Jordan set the precedent and now Horace Grant wants to join the fraternity by destroying his own NBA team.

“I see what MJ, Pax, and now Kerr are doing and it’s inspiring.” Grant said.

The former Bulls’ power forward, however, is still unsure of which franchise he wants to dismember.

“If possible I would like to inherit a situation like Kerr’s,” Grant said. “It would be pretty rewarding to deconstruct a championship contender into a dysfunctional unit barely hanging onto a playoff position. And Steve (Kerr) did it with just one move.”

Since Kerr traded for O’Neal, the Phoenix Suns are 3-5 and allowing 111 points per contest. They have also fallen from first in the Western Conference to sixth and are currently three-and-a-half games from being out of the playoffs.

Steve Kerr was unavailable for comment, citing that he was busy trying to find ways to trade Steve Nash for Vin Baker.

Horace Grant realizes that the chances of attaining a general manager position for an already successful team, like Kerr, are unlikely. However, the former power forward’s ambitions remain strong, and flexible.

“I’d also be willing to further deplete an already struggling franchise like Mike (Jordan) did,” Grant suggested.

“In fact, Mike and I have talked about me possibly taking over as GM for his Charlotte Bobcats. He’s just tired of having to take the blame for picking players like Kwame Brown and Adam Morrison and he needs someone to take the bullet for him. I told him, ‘where do I sign up.'”

mj-jungle-fever.jpgAccording to a close source (Karla Knafel), discussions regarding Horace Grant becoming the new general manager of the Bobcats are serious and that he and Jordan are already contemplating picks for the 2008 lottery. Kevin Love and Tyler Hansbrough are among their top prospects.

“We just need another mediocre white college player who isn’t athletic enough to succeed in the NBA,” Grant said. “If we could grab one of those two players to go alongside Adam Morrison then we would have a great young nucleus for our fans to despise.”

“It’s time for the Birdman to fly,” Chris Anderson said to a sideline reporter during the 2005 Slam Dunk Contest in Denver. The Birdman then proceeded to miss about twenty consecutive dunks. Bill Simmons equated the performance to the scene from “One on One” (never seen it) in which Robby Benson overdoses on greenies and makes a fool out of himself at practice, except Anderson was in front of 20,000 people.

Perhaps Bill Simmons was not far off in his comparison, as Chris Anderson returned to the New Orleans Hornets on Wednesday after spending two years away from the league due to a drug suspension. The NBA’s collective bargaining agreement states that a player can only be disqualified for a fourth positive test for performance-enhancing drugs, or a first positive test for “drugs of abuse.”

Substances that classify as “drugs of abuse” are methamphetamine; cocaine; LSD; opiates, including heroin, codeine and morphine; and PCP. Although neither the NBA nor the players’ union is allowed to comment on the suspension, reports have circled that cocaine was involved.

I ran into David West, current Hornet and teammate of Anderson’s before the suspension, while I was chatting with Brett Favre on MSN Instant Messenger. West referred to Anderson’s drug use as ‘riduculi,’ even citing a game in which the Birdman was high on PCP.

“Back in 2005, Chris grabbed 18 rebounds while high on sherm,” West said.

“The combination of PCP and hair gel made him hallucinate that pigeons where taking dumps on his head while he was on the court verse the Hawks. That’s how the nickname, ‘Birdman,” came about. People think it’s because he’s long and can jump high, but it really spawns from a bad angel dust trip. You know, like in the movie ‘Friday.'”

chris-anderson-hair.jpgAnderson first burst onto the scene in the 2004 NBA Dunk Contest when he was member of the Denver Nuggets. In Denver, his eccentric hairdos and high energy made him a crowd favorite. During the 2004 Dunk Contest in Los Angeles, Jack Nicholson took exception to Anderson while in his courtside seats.

Commentators assumed that Birdman’s affable personality was the reason for Jack’s gestures and affection. During Anderson’s press conference on Wednesday, however, he surprised reporters by informing he and Nicholson once used together.

“Jack and I used to do rails of blow in between Lara Flynn Boyle’s protruding ribs,” Anderson said. He went onto assure the Hornets and media members that those days have passed.

“I’m still crazy. I’m still going to do the wild things on the court and everything,” he added. “I’m just not going to do it while high off Sherman Helmsley.”

wrangler_favre_.jpgBrett Favre announced his retirement via Chris Mortensen’s voice mail today.

“I know I can still play, but it’s like I told my wife, I’m just tired mentally,” The three-time NFL MVP said. “If I felt like coming back — and Deanna [his wife] and I talked about this — the only way for me to be successful would be to win a Super Bowl. To go to the Super Bowl and lose, would almost be worse than anything else. Anything less than a Super Bowl win would be unsuccessful.”

The fact that Brett has previously threaten retirement, made me suspicious about his statement. And knowing how his wife loves to talk on Brett’s behalf, I sent a text message addressing the issue to Deanna Favre. She left a message on my voice mail. Unlike Mortensen, however, I did not intentionally make Deanna leave of voice message on my phone so it could be played back for the media. I was simply on the crapper, and my shouting pleads with my girlfriend to answer the phone fell silent because she was busy watching “The L Word.”

Anyway, this is the message from Deanna:

“Hi Matt, your suspicions on whether Brett has truly made up his mind are warranted. I have doubts as well, just this morning he couldn’t even make up his mind on whether he wanted to wear his acid-washed jean shorts or the ones with the rolled up cuff on the bottom. I fear he may change his mind. Since you and Brett are such great friends, maybe you could talk to him. His MSN instant messenger name is ‘painkillers04.'”

favre-demin-shorts.jpgSix years had passed since I last used IM. So, I frantically signed up for MSN Instant Messenger and I was fortunate enough to reach Brett, who was online chatting while updating his MySpace page. He wavered slightly on the issue of retirement and which Star Wars character he was most like.

In the end, however, his final words were definitive.

“I’m just stressed out from the NFL life and trying to go out game-to-game and top myself,” Favre said. “I just want to be comfortable, and I’m comfortable in Wrangler.”

Back in the mid 90’s, Bob Ralston suffered a mental breakdown while watching an 11PM ET showing of SportsCenter.

“What did he say, who is this guy!” Ralston shouted at his son, Matt.

“Calm down Dad, it’s just Stuart Scott,” Matt replied. “He’s this new black guy on SportsCenter who tries to relate to audience members by using convoluted and inane catch phrases.”

“It was scary,” thirteen-year-old, Matt Ralston said to reporters. “We were just watching SportsCenter like we always do when my Dad gets off work, when all of sudden he spits out his Crown Royal and went into a fit of rage.”

According to physicians, Bob Ralston lost all mental capacities due to the combination of Stuart Scott’s wandering eye and the usage of the catch phrase, “Yo, kid must have a 20-percent-off subscription to ‘Oh No He Di’int Magazine’ because dude was straight freakin’ him somethin’ ridicu-licial.”

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This was the first documented case of ‘Glass Eye.’ A medical disease named after Stuart Scott’s glass eye, which he received in 2002 after a launched football from a passing machine struck him in the face during a New York Jets preseason training camp. The vast majority of those who suffer from Glass Eye are middle age white men who have sons that listen to hip-hop music. Symptoms include seizures, fits of rage, and gauging of own eyes after a Stuart Scott catch phrase. Carriers of the disease are most susceptible to these phrases:

“I’m busting open some white meat! Gonna move some furniture!”
“Lord, he made his kinfolk proud: Pookie, Ray-Ray, Moesha….”
“Oh no he di’int.”
“The Lord said ‘You’ve got to rise UP!'”
“Wow! That one’s as hardcore as the Wu-Tang Clan on steroids!”

Although there is no standard cure for Glass Eye, medical science has developed a therapeutic approach that helps patients cope with Stuart Scott’s contrived personality while watching SportsCenter. Often times, victims feel guilty and fear they may be racist for not liking Scott. Fortunately, psychiatric centers around the country have developed support groups for those who suffer from Glass Eye. The objective of these groups is to inform patients that the black community hates Stuart Scott just as much as they do.

“At first, I was worried that I was a racist,” Bob Ralston said, “But then I realized that Stuart Scott is just a douche bag.”

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After a decade of counseling, Bob Ralston has been able to watch SportsCenter without throwing his dinner at the screen. Although patients like Ralston have made progress, it has been reported that for every catch phrase used by Stuart Scott, approximately 300,000 white men lose control of all mental or bodily functions.

“Finally, I can make it through a Stuart Scott segment without my eyes bleeding,” says Ralston. “I still don’t know what ‘freakin’ ’em with the okey-doke’ means, but I’m working on that.”