Archive for the ‘NBA’ Category

horace-grant.jpgSince Phoenix Suns’ General Manager Steve Kerr has acquired Shaquille O’Neal, he has become the third player from the Bulls championship teams to ruin a franchise. His former teammates John Paxson and Michael Jordan set the precedent and now Horace Grant wants to join the fraternity by destroying his own NBA team.

“I see what MJ, Pax, and now Kerr are doing and it’s inspiring.” Grant said.

The former Bulls’ power forward, however, is still unsure of which franchise he wants to dismember.

“If possible I would like to inherit a situation like Kerr’s,” Grant said. “It would be pretty rewarding to deconstruct a championship contender into a dysfunctional unit barely hanging onto a playoff position. And Steve (Kerr) did it with just one move.”

Since Kerr traded for O’Neal, the Phoenix Suns are 3-5 and allowing 111 points per contest. They have also fallen from first in the Western Conference to sixth and are currently three-and-a-half games from being out of the playoffs.

Steve Kerr was unavailable for comment, citing that he was busy trying to find ways to trade Steve Nash for Vin Baker.

Horace Grant realizes that the chances of attaining a general manager position for an already successful team, like Kerr, are unlikely. However, the former power forward’s ambitions remain strong, and flexible.

“I’d also be willing to further deplete an already struggling franchise like Mike (Jordan) did,” Grant suggested.

“In fact, Mike and I have talked about me possibly taking over as GM for his Charlotte Bobcats. He’s just tired of having to take the blame for picking players like Kwame Brown and Adam Morrison and he needs someone to take the bullet for him. I told him, ‘where do I sign up.'”

mj-jungle-fever.jpgAccording to a close source (Karla Knafel), discussions regarding Horace Grant becoming the new general manager of the Bobcats are serious and that he and Jordan are already contemplating picks for the 2008 lottery. Kevin Love and Tyler Hansbrough are among their top prospects.

“We just need another mediocre white college player who isn’t athletic enough to succeed in the NBA,” Grant said. “If we could grab one of those two players to go alongside Adam Morrison then we would have a great young nucleus for our fans to despise.”


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“It’s time for the Birdman to fly,” Chris Anderson said to a sideline reporter during the 2005 Slam Dunk Contest in Denver. The Birdman then proceeded to miss about twenty consecutive dunks. Bill Simmons equated the performance to the scene from “One on One” (never seen it) in which Robby Benson overdoses on greenies and makes a fool out of himself at practice, except Anderson was in front of 20,000 people.

Perhaps Bill Simmons was not far off in his comparison, as Chris Anderson returned to the New Orleans Hornets on Wednesday after spending two years away from the league due to a drug suspension. The NBA’s collective bargaining agreement states that a player can only be disqualified for a fourth positive test for performance-enhancing drugs, or a first positive test for “drugs of abuse.”

Substances that classify as “drugs of abuse” are methamphetamine; cocaine; LSD; opiates, including heroin, codeine and morphine; and PCP. Although neither the NBA nor the players’ union is allowed to comment on the suspension, reports have circled that cocaine was involved.

I ran into David West, current Hornet and teammate of Anderson’s before the suspension, while I was chatting with Brett Favre on MSN Instant Messenger. West referred to Anderson’s drug use as ‘riduculi,’ even citing a game in which the Birdman was high on PCP.

“Back in 2005, Chris grabbed 18 rebounds while high on sherm,” West said.

“The combination of PCP and hair gel made him hallucinate that pigeons where taking dumps on his head while he was on the court verse the Hawks. That’s how the nickname, ‘Birdman,” came about. People think it’s because he’s long and can jump high, but it really spawns from a bad angel dust trip. You know, like in the movie ‘Friday.'”

chris-anderson-hair.jpgAnderson first burst onto the scene in the 2004 NBA Dunk Contest when he was member of the Denver Nuggets. In Denver, his eccentric hairdos and high energy made him a crowd favorite. During the 2004 Dunk Contest in Los Angeles, Jack Nicholson took exception to Anderson while in his courtside seats.

Commentators assumed that Birdman’s affable personality was the reason for Jack’s gestures and affection. During Anderson’s press conference on Wednesday, however, he surprised reporters by informing he and Nicholson once used together.

“Jack and I used to do rails of blow in between Lara Flynn Boyle’s protruding ribs,” Anderson said. He went onto assure the Hornets and media members that those days have passed.

“I’m still crazy. I’m still going to do the wild things on the court and everything,” he added. “I’m just not going to do it while high off Sherman Helmsley.”

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wally-jpeg.jpgThe NBA is back. February’s huge trades have spawned resurgence in interest. The Lakers are the proverbial favorite, debates wage on whether the Phoenix Suns improved their team by acquiring Shaq, Jason Kidd is reunited with the Dallas Mavericks, and Wally Szczerbiak’s hair is back on television with the Cleveland Cavaliers.

The legions of Wally’s World fans were unable to see their favorite player’s gorgeous mop while he played for the lowly Seattle Supersonics. Being on the West Coast, owning one of the worst records in the NBA, and unfairly being shipped to Oklahoma City next year, the Supersonics weren’t exactly a marquee franchise this year. Hence, few of their games have been televised nationally. Well, now that Wally is a Cleveland Cavalier, not only will the spiky-haired heartthrob be part of a playoff team, he’ll also be running alongside superstar LeBron James. Factors that equate to one thing: more face time for Wally Szczerbiak.

“I’m excited about our team picking up Wally,” LeBron James said.

“His hair is so well groomed. Even before the game I see him in the locker room putting various products on that pelt of his. It’s only been a couple games, but Wally’s vanity has helped made our team more focused.”

How exactly does vanity help a team?

“It keeps you alert,” say James. “On the court you have to be aware of Wally. You have to make sure to give him the fist instead of the high-five or else you’ll get gel all over your hand. Little things like that keep you on your toes.”

Szczerbiak’s presence, however, brings more than just hair product. His game has been described and embraced by his new teammates as “strictly white-boy,” which means that a player’s game is slow, un-athletic, and relies solely on jump shots.

“Wally’s game is slower than ‘There Will Be Blood,'” NBA veteran and new teammate Damon Jones said. “But it’s all good because when Wally is just standing at the three-point line; LeBron always has someone to kick the ball out to. He’s a good fit on and off the court for our team.”

When asked to describe the specific value of Szczerbiak off the court, Jones explained how Wally brings in a more diverse collection of groupies to the hotel lobby.

“Usually we have a pretty nice mix of ladies waiting for us when we’re on the road,” Jones said. “But since Wally’s been here, we’ve seen a drastic improvement in our team’s ability to attract preppy white girls.”

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