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Back in the mid 90’s, Bob Ralston suffered a mental breakdown while watching an 11PM ET showing of SportsCenter.

“What did he say, who is this guy!” Ralston shouted at his son, Matt.

“Calm down Dad, it’s just Stuart Scott,” Matt replied. “He’s this new black guy on SportsCenter who tries to relate to audience members by using convoluted and inane catch phrases.”

“It was scary,” thirteen-year-old, Matt Ralston said to reporters. “We were just watching SportsCenter like we always do when my Dad gets off work, when all of sudden he spits out his Crown Royal and went into a fit of rage.”

According to physicians, Bob Ralston lost all mental capacities due to the combination of Stuart Scott’s wandering eye and the usage of the catch phrase, “Yo, kid must have a 20-percent-off subscription to ‘Oh No He Di’int Magazine’ because dude was straight freakin’ him somethin’ ridicu-licial.”

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This was the first documented case of ‘Glass Eye.’ A medical disease named after Stuart Scott’s glass eye, which he received in 2002 after a launched football from a passing machine struck him in the face during a New York Jets preseason training camp. The vast majority of those who suffer from Glass Eye are middle age white men who have sons that listen to hip-hop music. Symptoms include seizures, fits of rage, and gauging of own eyes after a Stuart Scott catch phrase. Carriers of the disease are most susceptible to these phrases:

“I’m busting open some white meat! Gonna move some furniture!”
“Lord, he made his kinfolk proud: Pookie, Ray-Ray, Moesha….”
“Oh no he di’int.”
“The Lord said ‘You’ve got to rise UP!'”
“Wow! That one’s as hardcore as the Wu-Tang Clan on steroids!”

Although there is no standard cure for Glass Eye, medical science has developed a therapeutic approach that helps patients cope with Stuart Scott’s contrived personality while watching SportsCenter. Often times, victims feel guilty and fear they may be racist for not liking Scott. Fortunately, psychiatric centers around the country have developed support groups for those who suffer from Glass Eye. The objective of these groups is to inform patients that the black community hates Stuart Scott just as much as they do.

“At first, I was worried that I was a racist,” Bob Ralston said, “But then I realized that Stuart Scott is just a douche bag.”

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After a decade of counseling, Bob Ralston has been able to watch SportsCenter without throwing his dinner at the screen. Although patients like Ralston have made progress, it has been reported that for every catch phrase used by Stuart Scott, approximately 300,000 white men lose control of all mental or bodily functions.

“Finally, I can make it through a Stuart Scott segment without my eyes bleeding,” says Ralston. “I still don’t know what ‘freakin’ ’em with the okey-doke’ means, but I’m working on that.”

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